I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
