it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
that may or may not have been my penis.
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