My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
