xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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