I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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