At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
