Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
