I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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