Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
