FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm just crazy horny about you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
