The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
