hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
