Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
