Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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