Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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