the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't deserve a penis
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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