New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
sarcasm needs its own font
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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