chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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