you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
