Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
