On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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