I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
