Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
