fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
