i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
