thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
