Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
