A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
