Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
