I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
