I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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