for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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