She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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