I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
