Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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