i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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