Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
