nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
