I'm jealous of your bromance
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
