But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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