This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
