im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
NoShamevember. You game?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
