Whatcha textin bout Willis?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
