she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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