wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
