I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
