I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
