I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
