I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
