my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
