she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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